LAST NIGHT WAS FOR LOVERS!

(A not-so-accurate translation of K-BLAQ’s “Ale Buruku Esu Gb’omi Mu”)

At a time I was certain was 8pm [a mosquito in my room never misses biting me at exactly that time of the night]
I felt a sudden urge, and no…it wasn’t THAT one!
This one was hunger
Insatiable hunger for ebola-infested fruit bats or bush meat
At first, I thought it was the devil’s work
But the thought of setting the noble record of being the first person in my family to ‘catch’ ebola was too appealing for me to ignore
I got up and went in search of those special species…

Two hours later

And I still couldn’t find any bats or bush meat
So I approached a suya stand, praying with all the strength I had left that the chunk of meat I was going to end up with would be infested
The aboki didn’t seem too pleased about me specifically asking him for the ‘ebola part’
I didn’t care; he could go blow himself up if he liked
I clutched my suya as if it were an iPad and strolled home

Suddenly In the darkness ahead of me, I spotted two figures fighting
They were using their mouths and hands and they took particular interest in each other’s sensitive areas
I moved closer but I still couldn’t see who they were so I put on my phone’s flashlight
Alas! A man and a woman
Won’t the man beat the woman to death? I had to do something
I didn’t have credit so I couldn’t call customer care or Fashola’s boys
So I yelled, DETACH YOURSELVES AT ONCE AND STOP THIS RUCTION!

Either they had earpieces plugged in or they simply lacked home training
But nothing was going to stop me from doing my duty to the society
I rushed into their midst and pushed them apart
Something hard landed on my right cheek and I could feel my soul leaving me
I am still not sure if it was my shadow that carried my unconscious body home or vice versa
But when I woke up this morning with palm-prints on my face and bite marks on my body
I realized that it wasn’t hunger for bats or bush meats or suya that I had last night
It was for severe beating; and I got a night’s worth.

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