AD LIBS: Potifaar’s Wife Wants Josef, He Says No & Lands In Kirikiri

Genisees 39:

7: And it happened that after all these happenings, his master’s wife started eyeing him. One day, she went to wear the new lingerie her husband bought for her and went to Josef’s room and said, ”Oga, make we lamba.” And she brought out a Rough Rider condom.

8: But Josef had just lost N1million inside the just-crashed MMM. And he said, ”Madam, please stop shey bee! Besides, I cannot come and eat inside my Oga’s agbalumo.”

9: ”Oga has given me everything I need. It won’t be fair.”

10. But she tried to talk him into it. Day after day. But Josef was a very stubborn young man.

11. But one day, the two of them were alone in the house. Nobody else was at home.

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Dear You

Dear You,

The only person to which I have something to prove is me. And it is that I can be a better person today, than I was yesterday.

I learnt, quite early in life, that some things are more important than money. Loyalty is one of them. My loyalty is never for sale. It doesn’t belong to the highest bidder. If you earn my loyalty, you most likely have it for life – except you fuck up big time.

Woman, if I tell you I love you, I actually do. Don’t have doubts. In fact, at that point, you’ll do well to find one, on this earth, who loves you more.

Two words I don’t just throw around are “love” and “friend.” So, if I call you my friend – you are my friend. And you have my loyalty too.

I am human, therefore I am imperfect. If I mess up, and you have the courage to tell me, please do. I may not be very pleased to hear it but that is the best gift you can give me at that moment.

Life is very short. That means I take satisfaction in the little things, not the extravagant ones. So, don’t be shocked to see me choose to attend a newborn’s naming ceremony with only a few people in attendance over showing my face at the talk-of-the-town wedding.

How you choose to see me is entirely your business. So, don’t expect me to look, talk, walk, smile, write or love in a certain way to please you or gain your approval. I will continue to take pictures, and make weird faces in them. I will continue to laugh long and hard at silly jokes. I will continue to choose to sit at unusual places, or eat with my left hand in public.

I am not an attention seeker. That is why I chose a profession which does not demand my face in exchange for success. I am shy too. Very shy. So, if I do not say hi – when I pass – it is not because I am arrogant neither am I disrespecting you.

If I don’t like you, you don’t need a dictionary or a scientific calculator to know. You will see it. On my face when I look at you. Or hear it. In my voice when I speak to you. I’m not exceptional at hiding my emotions.

I respect all but fear none. So, if you give me a damn good reason to, I can ask you to fuck off out of my life without blinking, regardless of who you are.

That’s enough rant about me in one day. I’m off to bed.

Cheers.

SMOKING HEAD!

[a loose adaptation of K-Baq’s MARASÁKÀ!]

LAGOS. MONDAY MORNING. IN A DANFO.

JASPER: Abeg, who dey sing Awilo?
PASSENGER 1: [chuckles] Awilo Logomba?
JASPER: [raises voice] I say who dey sing?! Who dey mime dat Awilosong?
WOMAN: Bros, nobody dey sing. Or shey na dat baba wey dey snore close to the window U dey talk?
JASPER: Driver, abeg off dat radio… e too loud.
DRIVER: Radio? You get ebola? Abi na for wia U dey hear radio? Abeg my people, I on radio?
PASSENGERS: No oh! Continue reading

A QUICK NOTE TO MY UNBORN CHILD(REN):

Ours is an insane world. I fear what yours would turn out to be. So, be prepared.

It is certain you won’t meet a perfect father…or a perfect mother. But you WILL meet parents who would love you more than any mortal would ever do.

I promise that I will find you a mother whom you will be proud of EVERY moment of your life. She might not be the most beautiful, or the most intelligent or the most fun. She will even be cranky at times (I will be too) but I guarantee you that she will put your interest above hers and above mine.

No. She won’t be a society woman. Her future husband isn’t one, anyway. Rather, she will be, in the truest meaning, a family woman.

Even though we’ll do our best to hide them from you,

Continue reading

LAST NIGHT WAS FOR LOVERS!

(A not-so-accurate translation of K-BLAQ’s “Ale Buruku Esu Gb’omi Mu”)

At a time I was certain was 8pm [a mosquito in my room never misses biting me at exactly that time of the night]
I felt a sudden urge, and no…it wasn’t THAT one!
This one was hunger
Insatiable hunger for ebola-infested fruit bats or bush meat
At first, I thought it was the devil’s work
But the thought of setting the noble record of being the first person in my family to ‘catch’ ebola was too appealing for me to ignore
I got up and went in search of those special species…

Two hours later Continue reading